Are we really listening?

When was the last time someone really listened to you?

When was the last time you really listened to someone else?

We’ve been dealing with a lot. We are facing a pandemic. Many in our world find themselves suddenly unemployed and struggling to make ends meet. Others are experiencing health crises by them or loved ones. And, in the past few weeks, we’ve experienced a terrible reminder of one of our society’s biggest failures: the existence of systemic racism facing our society, greatly impacting the Black community and all people of color.

As someone who lives just a few miles from the epicenter of the George Floyd tragedy, I have noticed these shockwaves have made it even more difficult for us to do something extremely important right now: listen.

With that in mind, I want to share a few insights about listening from a virtual workshop I’ve recently been conducting with leaders that may be helpful in improving our ability to listen.

Know Your Defaults

The first step to better listening is to know your “default listening mode.” Our default listening mode is when we listen (or pretend to listen) with a default response prepared. These responses are practically automatic. We've perfected them over the years. After someone speaks, they just come out. Typically, we have one or two default types and they fall into these categories.

• Giving advice: This is when we give advice or solutions to problems. Most of the time, we do so completely unsolicited with the belief we are helping. We rarely are. Michael Bungay Stanier calls this “The Advice Monster.” We think we're helping but we're not.

• Leading the Witness: This is when we ask questions based on our own agenda. We know where we want the person to go. And we know how to get them there with our questions. This might sound like “Don’t you think it would be a mistake to involve…” We think we're just asking questions, but really we're guiding them where we think they should go.

• Filtering: This is when we filter another person’s motivations and behavior through our own personal experiences. We try to “figure people out.” It could sound something like “Oh, I know how you feel…when my grandmother died, I felt like this…so you must be feeling that way too.” We think we’re connecting. We’re not.

• Judging: This is when we listen and judge. We tend to express agreement and disagreement with what someone is sharing with us. “You’re right, he’s such a jerk!” Again, we think we’re helping. We’re not.

Here’s the thing: Sometimes, this kind of listening isn’t a problem. When my friend and I discuss the Packers and Vikings, this is an appropriate way to listen. Because in the grand scheme of things the Packers and Vikings don’t really matter. It’s chit-chat. Emotions are low. The stakes are lower.

But how do these default approaches to listening serve us when the conversation does matter? How do they work for us when emotions are high?

In those situations, our default responses are barriers to true understanding. The responses we provide are more about us and not about the other person.

For example, our intention may be to give some brilliant advice to help someone solve their problem. But in reality, our advice isn't grounded in a full appreciation for or understanding of the problem. Nor is it wanted by the other person. And, as Michael Bungay Stanier suggests, we’re actually telling the person we’re superior to them because we know how to solve the problem and we don’t trust them to figure it out. None of this makes our relationships better.

After discussing the default responses in the workshop, a participant shared a realization he had come to: “I am realizing why I can’t seem to connect with my colleague. It’s because I spend all my time telling instead of listening.” 

How could we listen to understand instead of listening to respond?

I find quotes quickly summarize what might take a lot of words, so I love it when I find an insightful one. There is one quote, in particular, I love to share to illustrate why we need to listen more: “There’s a reason we have two ears and one mouth.”

A participant in a recent workshop added: “And we have two eyes and two nostrils too.”

He’s right. We need to listen with more than our ears. We need to listen with our eyes and our hearts. (not sure about the nostrils) We must learn to pay attention to how a person feels and help the person understand that we understand. This is what is often referred to as “Empathy.” Brené Brown shares in a video on Empathy that “Empathy is feeling with people… rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” Empathy is our pathway to connection.

And in this time, when many of us aren’t seeing each other in person, we don’t pick up as many non-verbal cues that might tell us we need to empathize. It’s easy to feel disconnected. Listening with empathy brings more understanding and connection. This is something many of us could use a whole lot more of right now.

Our call to action

Let’s take some time to listen better. Let’s catch ourselves when we start to offer judgments, lead the witness, filter, or give unsolicited advice.

Instead, let’s pause and ask: how could I really listen and respond from a place of empathy?

Let’s get more curious and show the other person we hear them.

Let's make the choice to listen better today.